Shots Are For Espresso.

Or bachelor parties. Or gun shows. They aren't however for mothers who are confused by the hype.

And I currently fall into that last category.

I'm talking about boosters here. And not the seat kind. The annual kind. The scary kind. The lifesaving kind. The kind that may contribute to autism. The kind that former MTV game-show hosts now talk about on Oprah.

That kind.

Although frankly, for me to say I'm confused about this topic is probably taking it a bit too far. I'm actually not confused as much as I'm just too damned subconsciously anxious about the possible unknowing, speculated potential, and potentially related or unrelated ramifications to just even deal. In other words, like a lab rat, I'm in unfamiliar territory, so I'm not moving.

All that said, I should know a lot about this topic. Once upon a time in a lifetime far far away, it was basically my job to know this. To communicate it to many. To go on and on and on about the importance of...no, the essential need for... immunizations. In fact, for almost a year I did everything but bribe politicians to get the word out about the need for kids to get shots. Shots. Shots. And a few more shots for luck. That was my job. See, I worked for a really swell non-for-profit organization that educated immigrants about the importance of childhood immunizations. Oh, the importance.

Back then, I knew every reason children should be vaccinated. And I could (and frankly, still can) spout off the many essential benefits of the shot. Shots.

But that was 10 years ago. I was 26. And I knew as much about children then, as I know about Quantitative and Computational Finance now. And you should know, that's less than nothing. More importantly and more honestly, I knew much less about what it was like to be a parent then than I will ever know about any graduate-level mathematics. Or even middle school mathematics for that matter.

I knew nothing. Which is too bad, because if it's true that the first rule of communication is to know your audience, I really should have shut the hell up.

Because as well intended as I was...me Ms. Let-me-tell-you-what-to-do here, it's easy, no biggy, just get the shots...well, I just knew what I knew. And that wasn't everything.

For instance, I didn't know about the whole immunization controversy. Hell, back then, no one knew there would be such a thing. And I sure didn't know what it would feel like to consider that possibility as the parent of a little boy. Because I still don't know what I think about all of it. I don't even feel confident in my ability to explain my confusion and discomfort to a physician with whom The Hurricane has an appointment tomorrow. For a two-year-old check up. And for shots.

So I'm canceling.

Canceling tomorrow's appointment. Not avoiding forever. Just postponing for now. Until I feel like I know more. And more importantly, until I can whole-heartedly understand and explain my discomfort zone well enough to find a comfortable resolution.

And so, instead of going to the doctor on schedule, we're going to the park. At least for now. For tomorrow.